Land of the Free

(Originally written in 2014)

Different Singers, Same Song

Along the southern border of the U.S., there has been an alarming influx of Central American children. Call them 'illegal', 'undocumented', or whatever floats your boat, they are children running to escape the horror that appears to be the current norm in countries like Guatemala, El Salvador, and more. This is on top of other 'non-legal' immigration is going on.

Without going into the (debatable) debate about American jobs lost to illegals (many of them do what American citizens refuse to do, either because of wages or working conditions) and living on the public dole (actually many, if not most, pay into the tax and social security coffers without hope of getting anything in return), let's consider what is really at the foundation of the fear and hatred.

Who are these people? Many are Mexicans, along with large numbers of people from Central America. Some from South America apparently also make the journey, but due to distance and cost the numbers are much lower. One might be surprised to know, however, that there are also boatloads of Chinese and other Asian nationalities, as well as Africans illegally arriving in Central and South America with hopes of getting smuggled into the U.S.

So, who are the bad guys and who are the good guys, and, more importantly, who gets to make that call? Liberal and conservative news media, talking heads, and fear-mongering on social media once again hold sway without ever really looking at cold, hard facts.

Why are all brown, Spanish speaking people automatically labeled as 'Mexicans'? Why are they assumed to be illegal? There are Americans of Mexican heritage who have much longer family history in our country than most self-proclaimed 'real' Americans. If you think those are exaggerations, you haven't studied history or lived with it first-hand and you aren't paying close enough attention.

Land of the Free

The words "we" and "they", and "us" and "them" appear over and over again. Those that deny that the core reason, the true underlying reason that there is an "us" and "them", is because of racism and that racism is fueled by fear, and that fear is always based on ignorance, are either willfully ignorant or disingenuous. That is true no matter our color or heritage. And that truth can be found no further away than the tip (and color) of our noses.

Fear of the "other" is learned from our parents, friends, and peers. It is not the inherent nature of being human. It can be un-learned, as well, and it must be if we are to continue as a nation. Awareness of who we ALL are and why we ALL are the way we are is the only way this country will survive and prosper. The United States is US, right? Not us versus them.

Marrying Outside Your Own Culture

You could, if so inclined, substitute the words Religion, Race, Language, etc. for the word Culture in the title above. Any of them might be appropriate, depending upon your own culture, religion, race, language.

The word 'culture' is a bit more all-inclusive than the others, however, so we'll stick with that. So, should you marry outside your own culture? The short answer is no. The longer answer is maybe. That is, you should not marry outside your culture unless you willing to make many changes, some significant sacrifices, and do a lot of work to make a go of it.

What is Culture?

In general terms from my own experience, culture in the context of marriage includes all those things that either make you very similar to or very different from another person. These can be language, personal habits, education level, nationality, race, and on and on.

Why are those differences or similarities important? At it's most basic, any relationship is based on communication. With no shared or common language, you're off to a poor start. Even if you can communicate in words, a personal vision of the world is based on experiences. A person from another country will have had very different personal experiences. And those experiences are shaped by beliefs (religion), social status, education, and family relationships.

We can see within the United States that, even though we mostly speak the same language, there can be significant cultural differences based generally on the part of the country you're from. Magnify those differences exponentially when talking about marrying a foreigner, and more so when they speak a different language.

Time can be a great equalizer

If, despite the odds against it, you meet the one you want to spend your life with and that person lives in another country, you still have a lot of work to do. 

First is deciding where you want to live. I won't go into this too much but suffice it to say that one of you is probably going to have to make some very substantial sacrifices. These will likely include moving away from family and from virtually everything one takes for granted in their daily life.

Even if the decision of where to live seems easy at first, there will be constant reminders of the extreme difficulty one of you will have in adapting. Don't forget, however, that both of you will be required to adapt. And it will not be easy. It will require a daily recommitment to your relationship and it's success.

Assuming all goes relatively smoothly, time will eventually become your ally as the non-native part of your pair acclimates to their new life and surroundings. Most important is that you BOTH give yourselves time to get to this point.

Unwanted Gifts Are Sometimes Necessary

One of the very positive things the pandemic has "given" me is a lot of time to sit and think. Those who know me might well believe that for me this is not a positive as I already think too much. Thinking instead of feeling and doing.

Sometimes, if we allow it, sitting and waiting is like running a marathon. What???

Seemingly eons ago, when my older two children were my only children, the city of Columbia, MO, hosted a 10K marathon. I decided I wanted a t-shirt, so, for no better reason than that, I started training. I had not done any serious running since high school, and I was not in shape.

Using the car, I measured off a couple of routes from our home in the southern part of Columbia and started to run (jog, really) those routes. Each was around 2.5 to 5K as I recall.

Both of them kicked my ass, but over a few weeks, I could see progress. But... the race was coming up and I had not yet run anywhere close to 10K.

On the day of the race, I started out fine and knew I needed to pace myself. Still, when I hit the 5 or 6K mark (5K was the most I had ever finished), I was totally exhausted. And the hardest part of the run was yet to come. Those who know Columbia know Stadium Blvd. The race's route took us up the hill from the MKT trail to Farout Field.

When I started up that hill, I wanted nothing more than to quit. But, after a few steps, I hit what many runners know as "the wall". I had heard of it but had never experienced it. I had never experienced it because I had never pushed myself. I had always given up. This day I did not give up even though I had desperately wanted to.

So, what is "the wall"? As best I can describe it, it is a sensation of surrendering to the moment. You have no thought of anything - and I do mean ANYTHING - other than putting one foot in front of the other. No thirst, no pain, no thoughts of other places you'd rather be. Nothing more than moving one foot and then the other foot constantly forward.

Truth be told, the pace of my "running" at that point was probably slower than I normally walk. I know that I was one of the last to finish, but I DID NOT CARE. At that point, I had done what I did not think I could do. I got my souvenir t-shirt, but what I had EARNED and LEARNED was much more important.

This pandemic and the quarantine that we are all suffering through, in one way or another, will pass. Put one foot in front of the other, even if it is only to walk from your living room to the kitchen or bedroom. Keep moving. Keep breathing. Keep loving all the people in your life and hold them in your heart. Look at your life and the world around you.

What can you do to make your life and the world better? How can you begin? You begin by daily practice to develop the habits - exercise, food, clear and positive thoughts - that will get you to places you never believed you could reach. One foot in front of the other.

The Way Clear

There is little 'good' to be found in this pandemic. What good there can be must come from us. All of us.

One thing we can all do is use a part of our time for self-reflection while isolating. For many of us, with easy access to social media, television, streaming movies, and so forth, it is difficult to tear ourselves away to simply BE with ourselves. It's can also be a bit intimidating.

Of course, we don't enjoy having our freedom of movement restricted, not seeing our friends and family, not going to the movies, or to our favorite restaurant. What we must keep in mind, though, is that our temporary inconveniences may help save lives and ease the load on our healthcare workers and system. 

There is an argument to be made that reviving the economy is also important. Certainly, this is important and necessary. The question is not whether or not it should be done, but rather how it should be done.

As happened with the Spanish flu pandemic in the early 1900s, the disruption can and should be viewed as an opportunity to reevaluate our priorities - both as individuals and as a society. The simple fact of the matter is that, after this pandemic eases, there will be another somewhere down the line. What lessons will we take from this event in 2020 that will make the world better and safer for our children, grandchildren, and generations to come?

The way is clear in this regard - we must make fundamental changes to our economic, social, political, and healthcare systems. COVID-19 has essentially brought the world economy to a standstill. Have we become too dependent on international trade? Perhaps. More likely, we need to reconsider what is not only 'essential' but also what is desirable. 

Have you noticed how much clearer the air is, especially over major cities? Or, how much cleaner our rivers and lakes have become? Or, the resurgence of wildlife? 

Have you noticed how many things you thought were 'necessary' are easily lived without? Spending hours each day waiting in traffic to either go to or return home from a job we only have because it 'pays the bills' is not LIVING. It is existing. Yes, the income is necessary, but what toll has that life taken on your emotional and physical health? That of your family?

Socially, who 'deserves' to have enough to eat, or have a safe place to sleep, or receive mental and physical healthcare? Just as important is the question of who exactly gets to make those decisions. 

All of these things, and more, deserve our attention in the weeks and months ahead. What is essential, however, is that the necessary conversations take place with all parties represented: the rich and the poor, ethnic and religious minorities all must have seats at the table with those who have called the shots in the past. If this does not happen earnestly and honestly, I fear for the health and future of our nation and our world. 

Planet earth and our co-inhabitants have proven that they do not need us. They are, in fact, probably much better off without us as we are currently behaving. We need to discover a way to prove our worth in remaining a part of the ecosystem and the future.